You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
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[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.