Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
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{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Stop sending me this shit.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.