People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
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white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Breaking news:
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
peak technology
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope