You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
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4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!