It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
You Might Also Like
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.