The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
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*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
I’ve been learning to cook.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.