How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
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Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more