Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
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“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
consequences, the bane of my existence
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.