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Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.