Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
You Might Also Like
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
still the best tweet of the year by far