The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
You Might Also Like
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Look at this
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.