me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
You Might Also Like
[montage of me giving-up]
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
2022: I can fix it
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set