I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
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I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Rt to bother an English speaker
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..