Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
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*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
that wasn’t the question
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.