*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
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Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
wow he looks just like him
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Ferrari squats
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.