Hilarious if literal: arms race
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My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.