I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
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reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Never forget.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Has there ever been a more American story?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…