When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
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7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Room with a view.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!