I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
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*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
the noise i just made
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes