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‘CargoAndBoxer’
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Lmao
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
What do you hear?
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
what?
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.