Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
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“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Whoa 😂
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
plums roundup
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man