Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
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No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
he was correct
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster