If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
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I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”