Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
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I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Had to try this trend 😊
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call