I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
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*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice