So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
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Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Life with a cat in one tweet
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
😂💯
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far