I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
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cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
gentlemen, hear me out
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
she has a point
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.