The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
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Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.