The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
You Might Also Like
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look