ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
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If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
If you need a laugh.. 😅
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.