there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
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40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”