♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
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me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.