Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
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[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Found the job I’m suited for
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*