Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
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honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.