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picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.