Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
You Might Also Like
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.