Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
You Might Also Like
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.