Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
You Might Also Like
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I’d … I’d rather not.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.