Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
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Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
how it started vs how it ended
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me