If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
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He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.