Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
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Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Breaking news:
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.