I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
You Might Also Like
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.