The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
You Might Also Like
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*