why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
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I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc