Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
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Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Hey Fugeddaboutit
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth