It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
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EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
What do you hear?
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie