People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
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Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary