I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
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[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
i want to work in this restaurant
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.