Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
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Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.