being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
You Might Also Like
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.