I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
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{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
giddy up Office Depot
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.